You blinked away the tears. Chest heaving up and down, you broke out in quiet sobs all over again. You feel your heart beat a painful throb, and it was a different kind of ache - a literal ache, not metaphorical, not a figment of imagination, it was real and you could feel it groaning in hurt. You clutched your chest, excruciatingly aware of the quivering sound of your teeth and arms. Yet, in next to no time, you stopped your tears. Anger surged throughout your body, like an irate volcano lashing out and drowning the world in its lividness. How dare anyone do this to you? How dare anyone look down upon you? How dare anyone breathe lies into your face?

You felt as if you were wounded all over. Disappointment clings onto you like a parasite grip, and you watched the clock tick-tock by at a vexingly slow pace. When good fortune falls, neither an hour can be added nor a lost hour be recalled. Here comes bad times, and miserable moments add on like an element. Bliss is scraping at the bottom, and you shook your head, blinding yourself to any sweet actions done or had since happened unto you. You are scarred, deeper than ever this time, a huge gash upon your soul, threatening the composition of your emotions. Look at the happy moments; you tell yourself, they slipped by with the stealth of an illicit lover in the breaking hours of morning light, and no sooner will bad times join in the mix. The impact was colossal, your heart beat quickens and thunders in your ears. You can feel your pulse pound ominously, as if blood will be drawed away from you, and your soul sucked out of your life. It was like huge tsunami waves crashing against your boundary, before you crumble down and submit yourself to the waters that menace you into darkness.

Mentally, you asked yourself, why bother? Yet you know your heart was never carved out of stone, but you know well enough that you needed this break, to sort the things in your mind that had already formed a massive cobweb, waiting to be unraveled and solved. The agony was once again tearing her apart. The emptiness, loneliness, need for reliance has now, once again, become self-sufficed matters. Why do the people you love most always have to hurt you in the most terrible ways? Thoughts are becoming incoherent as your vision blurred. Your lips cracked at the slightest twitch, yet the refusal to move anywhere was too strong. Your brain has grown to a mass of wool, which carries a tinge of weariness. You got to be strong, you know there are friends, but what now – what exactly? Frosted glass colours your future and you know not when and how to move the next baby step. You forced yourself not to feel any slimmest pinch of sorry for your ‘cruelty’ and unkindness. You fend yourself away from defiance thoughts, though bleak, but still defending all odds of possibilities. To step back, and to watch; fed with apprehension and anxiety – as to what may happen, it may all be negative, but at least an answer will be woven out of all complications, no matter what certain desire there is, daring you to succumb to it. But no. Not now, not yet. Time is what you really need.

Still a five foot three frame of steel walls and consternation, still tentative, still helpless.

First him, now you.

I am gonna die tonight.

Yogurt digs!

Meanwhile, there's a couple of CDs i am totally dying to get my hands on

Everything but a girl - Acoustic ( Its the bombzxzx)
Wowjazz!
High Society (a whole new crazy collection of songs and awesome classics!)
- A Love So Beautiful
- Music to watch girl by
- Burt Bacharach
- We got the soul?/ Passion?
And one or two more which was rly nice! Man, I'm so gonna turn my future home, into some jazzy classical acoustic music library!

I've been feeling a tad weird these days. Maybe it's just a dose of sickness that's doing all these to me, or maybe just so many things occuring at once. But in any case, i've been wanting many things, when I'm penniless. Yes, zero cents with me, and yet my bank of wants is growing. I don't wanna become those materialistic, shopwhores kinda girls.The most basic example, would be more clothes, more desses, more skirts. And then, i cannot really remember. I think i know i want many things, but they just come and go, so -.- whatever.
I want a pair of tickets to CATS): Sobs. But it's sold out for students tix, and the rest that hasn't been sold is really too pricey. I want to stuff myself with nachos while watching movie, but Im currently not at my best state of health, so darn. I want that pencil case I've been eyeing on at PageOne, but my boyf has gotten it for me! YAY! I actually told him, and he got it for me straightaway. I felt so bad, like a spoiled little girl but yay yay yay! He's the best x 100000000000.
And I haven't been out on a movie date for so damn long. How many months have it been? One, two three? Yeah, it is that bad ): How long have i last went cycling, for the sea breeze that lifts up my hair, and the wind that carries our laughter along the sandy coasts? How long has it been since I last went swimming, feeling the familiar scent of the water brushing across the skin of my body, and feeling the surge to move through the waters? How long has it been, since we spend many carefree dates together, without giving any shit about money, school work, exams, etc? Too long to remember. And now, sickness is what holds us, and it is what slips our time away. Or maybe my idea of fun is too narrow, I should start thinking of ways that keep us preoccupied WITHOUT spending a single cent. I suppose that's quite easy. I got a couple of things not done yet, scrapbook for the most urgent and important task on my list of things to do. And yet it is always pushed back, so much for the urgent factor. Haha, damn the school (again). I guess people have the same, dumb mentality that people in the arts have it all. Fun, slack timetable, no labs, less work, more play. But for me, it is jsut the same. My own timetable is cramped (well at least for the first term). Or maybe my lack of time management skills is the cause of everything. I havent taken anything familiar in my combinations, except Math. My GP fails me, geography's been blah, you get the idea, and well econs and all that? Lit? Wtheck?! Big ha-has to me. But i guess it's too early to tell, I HOPE. Right now, i still feel like playing. I wanna learn tennis outside, to no avail, i want to learn piano, yeah kinda late isn't it? Strictly on terms, I'm kinda talentless. But i'm not evoking pity or whatsoever. I don't need consoling words, i actually feel okay with it. Because i got the most wonderful boyfriend in the world :DDDDD I know things happened, and they already did. I made my choice, my stand. And I'm here with him. So that's that. I don't care how many of you out there disapprove, or clicked your tongues at the decisions made. He's been here, always by my side, all the time. And when i say all the time, I mean every single moment, everytime that I needed him, he's always there. A phone call away, a text away, or just one call, and bam wham, he's there right beside me. Sometimes, i think i fail as a gf, but he's made me fall in love with him again and again. It's crazy, and in many crazy times, i wanna strangle him and tell him to stop being so nice to me. And he's my primary source of entertainment. He makes me double over with laughter, and he's forever making silly faces to amuse me. Like, right when I'm typing this, he's using his webcam and making really cute and retarded faces. Oh my goshhhh, I swear something's wrong with him. But I love him, for this very reason too. And love is not blind, this is a bloody misconception. I can see the things he has done for me, its a whole massive lot of them. If you want to stretch them from end to end, there will be no end. He is not THE boyfriend, as so many bimbos in the world love to name it in their ljs and xangas (because it sounds so damn cool?), he is not JUST boyfriend itself, he is MY boyfriend, MY world, and MY everything. He is Dan Poh, the love of my life! And i love bragging about him to my friends, so there. This is not just an addiction nor an obsession. I was really happy when someone made a passing comment about how sweet we were. And it got me thinking (because i didn't before), that it is true. We stand by each other no matter what. Like I said, things happened. Not just between us both, but individually. And when i felt I couldn't breathe anymore, he was there.
To remind me to take that very breath.

The cold water splashed hard on her body.

Without a flinch, she drew herself closer to the water, gushing downwards, flowing over every single inch of her body. She knew her body was sore and aching, her legs were scratched and her skin should have reacted with the water. Yet she was anesthetized by the physical surroundings, oblivious to her sense organs. She silenced the tenderness and wished with all her might, that the water can in turn silence that certain emotional pain inside of her.

She forced herself to relieve all the episodically events, every single bit of them, she took in her stride, knowing she will fall deeper into the pit hole. Her tears formed in an instant, and she surrendered, finally, to her heart, breaking and hurting at the very moment. She sobbed silently, coughing into the water and covering her mouth, lest she let out gasps of pain. Sorrow and devastation, her mind could only replay that same line, that seems so ever fresh in her memory, “Do you know, how much my heart is breaking because of you?” She should have known, that the worst feeling isn’t when your own heart cracks, it’s when you created a deep dark fissure in that one person’s heart you never meant to hurt, ever, that one person whom you dutifully love with every pump your heart beats, every blink your eyes make and every breath you take. The wrenching was more than bearing, it was tearing her apart. She turned the tap further downwards, hoping, wishing, and longing for each droplet to wash away her peccadillo, her wrongs, and her sins. The force of the water kept her remorse alive, to remind her just how undeserving she was of others’ love, and how she has grown a cowardly and useless shell over her back, having to carry it and disappoint her only true love, yet again. Flames burn in her stomach, and she felt her heart wrenched for a second time. Strangely, she willed for more painful memories to be replayed, like a roll of film reversing backwards. She knew she couldn’t acquaint with anyone about her life outside, or even in her very house. Her insides were screaming at her to stop thinking, feeling and thinking, and inevitably, the images popped into her, tormenting her mentality every moment. As she recalled how she walked through her day, distracted and preoccupied, she felt choked up with negative emotions, almost ready to burst into zero existence if she had the chance. She was exhausted, definitely. She ran, ran for her life, hoping that in some corner, she can trip, fall, and disappear into the greens below. Dirty as for sure, but rid of all problems. She battled with her mind all the same, deciding to take the gutless and spineless way out. Her lungs ache, but she ran all the same. She was hoping to be saved from that damn salvation, wanting to blame the whole world for everything, knowing that it’s a mistake to run right from the start. And yet when she started, she realized just how fast her mind shut out all recollections.

Traumatized and distressed, she finally recognized the fact that she wasn’t in the right state of mind emotionally. Even after running, she felt as if she was in a daze, regret filled her heart soon after, yet she blinded them away, unwilling to be condemned, not just yet. She was in daylight daze, seemingly unfazed by anything around her. She couldn’t even remember herself at the moment, and it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? No. Cold hard truth. No. The pain she had caused to another from her own root of pain, was a million times worse than anything else. Yes, being upset and disconcerted could not serve as a reason to explain her outrageous behaviour, her selfishness, her inability to place him before herself. Mere excuses. The consequences faced afterwards, how she had to see the agonized look in his face, every new and unsullied painful truth reliving through his mind, with her very own eyes, how much she fucking hate herself more than ever…

Snapping back to reality, she turned off the running tap, rubbed her skin incessantly, before dressing up to cover her skin. All that’s left to do is to start picking up the pieces where she left them, and do her best, and do what’s even beyond her ability to undo her mistakes. She will damned-it do whatever it takes, even if it means everything.

Rachel
Craze SixTEEN
Radin Mas NYGH
LA Rep
TWENTYTWO.OHFOUR
SAYANG ME AT
rachel.0422@live.com

SINGING'S MY LIFE
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And love is in the air